BLADE III: Rob Zombie in the Matrix
by Clifford Carson
Summary: Blade and Rob Zombie face off against each other and Agent Smith in an all-out battle royale!


CHAPTER ONE  
"Where the hell am I?" Rob Zombie yelled with a groan, "This isn't the House of 1000 Corpses 2 set?"  
  
"Indeed it isn't," Morpheus replied, "Mr. Zombie, I have been sent to find humanities savior. I believe you are that man."  
  
Morpheus extended his hand, which contained two pills, blue and red.  
  
"Take the red pill and-"  
  
"EERGH!" Rob Zombie screamed, hitting Morpheus over the head with his electric guitar, "There's only one sure way to bring the giant down- VIOLENCE!"  
  
"I don't think so!" came a voice from behind him.  
  
Rob Zombie turned and saw the smiling face of Blade, who had dropped in from a skylight.  
  
"Day-walker!" Rob Zombie said with a grin, "So nice of you to.drop by."  
  
"HAHAHA!" said Blade, catching his sunglasses which flew in from behind him without looking. "Undead scum."  
  
Rob Zombie still had no idea where he was, but he knew what to do when faced with the forces of good. He pushed a button on his guitar, turning it into a large axe-gun. Grinning, he pulled the trigger over and over, sending blue electricity arcing towards Blade, who backflipped away impossibly and landed with his sword drawn on one knee.  
  
Blade removed his Katana from the depths of his trenchcoat. "I don't know where we are, Zombie, but once we're finished it will be the house of one corpse.yours!" He hit a button on the hilt and laser-stakes came out, flying toward Rob Zombie at sub-atomic speeds.  
  
"Come on, scum of the earth," Rob Zombie smirked, "If we're going to find out the secret of the Matrix we have to put aside our differences and." Rob Zombie pressed a button on his guitar, shooting out sharp black flames. "AHAHAHAHAA! You may have been able to stop Deacon Frost and those weird giant-mouthed Max Schreck things, but you can never defeat ME!"  
  
Blade said nothing in response, but instead he ran up a wall, spun around, pulled out two sawed-off shotguns and fired them repeatedly at the area of Rob Zombie's head. Rob Zombie was knocked back slightly, but because his head was made of iron it largely deflected the shots. Then he pushed another button on his guitar, which turned into a motorcycle. He accelerated directly towards Blade while firing from the motorcycle's front mounted machine-gun turret. Blade easily flipped out of the way, and Rob Zombie screeched to a halt, preparing for another charge. But this time, Blade was ready for his attack. He jumpkicked Rob Zombie in the chest as he charged forward on his motorcycle, knocking him off the back.  
  
Rob Zombie ducked under the table that Morpheus had kept the pills on. The Zombiecycle screeched out of control and Blade crashed into an ice sculpture. "Here Zombie Zombie Zombie," Blade said sarcastically.  
  
Rob Zombie crounched in silent anticipation, unsure of what course of action to take. Then he looked down.  
  
"The red pill!" Rob Zombie exclaimed, "The one that guy I killed wanted me to eat!"  
  
Blade reached into his coat pocket and removed a Supersoaker filled with acid garlic. "You've met your last!"  
  
Then Rob Zombie took the pill.  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Rob Zombie woke up in a sea of red and warm goo. "Where the hell am I?" Rob Zombie yelled with a groan, "This isn't the House of 1000 Corpses 2 set?"  
  
The tube opened up and Rob Zombie looked down, seeing a sea of bodies in red pods just like his. "This is some crazy shit," Rob Zombie said, then he smiled, "Just like I like it." He began to get out of his pod.  
  
"Not so fast, asshat!" came a voice, "You're going down!"  
  
A giant spider robot-a sentinel droid, though Rob Zombie did not know this- flew up beside him, with a crouching Blade on top. He took out his katana.  
  
"Mr. Zombie!" came a voice from somewhere else.  
  
Confused by constant new people entering this already strange setting, Rob Zombie didn't even look but instead he turned around and ate the newcomer's torso. This may have not been the best plan, because at that point, every single one of the red pods opened up and every body stood up silently at the exact same moment and looked at him. They were all identical in every way to the first man, only they had torsos.  
  
"So we meet again, Smiths!" Blade said, "I thought I'd defeated you when I had broken up Frost's vampire coven."  
  
The Smith who was apparently the leader of the Smiths paused. Then he spoke. "Well. you see. you may think that. Smiths. are vampires." He paused again. "But this. is not the case. You see. Agent Smiths. because of their ability. to reproduce. quickly through. killing. are like."  
  
Then every Agent Smith for miles around said "A VIRUS" in unison.  
  
"If you're the virus," Blade smirked, "I'm the antibiotic!" He took his Katana out and slashed at the Smiths with speed and precision.  
  
Rob Zombie looked at the world he saw around him. He saw his once most reviled enemy doing anything he could to save the world from these evil living computer programs. He knew there was only one thing he could do.  
  
CHAPTER THREE  
  
The Nebuchadezzar raced through the scary waters of the future.  
  
"Where is Morpheus?" asked a worried Neo.  
  
"I don't know," said Trinity, "And I'm worried about the new captain we got in Zion."  
  
Captain Spaulding whirled around in his command chair, his clown make-up greasy from the future's heat. "Now what seems to be the problem you fellas? Fried chicken?"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


End file.
